Pre-lude:

Ok, so a funny thing, well - maybe not so funny, but ironic-  happened on the way to my having a life.... The one person who loved me more than anyone in the world, who I took full advantage of, actually - vanished suddendly out of my life like (poof), magically - though tragically, all of a sudden.....  he was g o n e.

After 2 marriages - I married super young, and 2 LTR (that's online jargon for long term relationship), I now for the first time.....in a really long time....find myself alone. 
Like:  a l o n e, as in by myself, no bed buddy, eating dinner in the car from the drive-thru, often finding hidden karaoke venues to attend by myself, trying to blend in.... just to feel like these people are somehow are my friends and are going to fill the deep rooted void in my existence

Life as I knew it, for the past few years, was simple - there was someone in my life, well, when I needed him to be - you see, we really had a pretty nice arrangement to say the least.  He lived in my town, though a convenient 18 or so miles away, which afforded me the space I needed to move around and do what I needed to to keep myself happy.  The fact that he had no car, or an auto in dis-repair,  throughout  most of our last years 'together', lent it self to even more convenience on my part.  I referred to him (in my mind, and in close circle), as my "convenience" boyfriend.  He loved me - unconditionally, knew all my faults, my bad habits - which are few anyway.....  loved it when I got mad, "it turns me on Mija"! and a special bonus was that he was gorgeous.  In my mind, he was everything I wanted, tall - dark - handsome and completely needy.....  a mess actually.  His tall stature, broad shoulders, slicked back mounds of thick black hair and amazing huge piercing deep brown eyes came at a price.  He was an obsessive personality, persistent, tenacious (which came in handy for home repairs and garden work), but mostly annoying on a daily basis.   Ever since he decided to pursue my person, I realized that his phone had some type of strange, 'auto re-dial, re-dial, re-dial' feature,....yeah, really now.  So, the story went - he pursued, I ignored.... then when my libido peaked, I would give in.  Well, I should add - there were times when we did get together for other reasons that just sex.    Like the time I needed a male figure to accompany me whilst in my search for a new car, or the time my pipes under my kitchen sink were leaking and it really wasn't in my budget for a Plumber - but best of all, he was always there for the unspeakable hard times.  The time I was having an anxiety attack and ended up in the emergency room at 7am....  stuff like that.

Looking back, I guess he, my 'boyfriend of convenience', was quite a lot more, in reality - than even I realized at the time.  Tragically, with all of his loving & understanding qualities, this amazing man also came with a whole hand-ful of baggage of his own.  I mean, we all got issues, right....  well, I'm a tolerant gal.  I put up with 10 years married to a volatile, hot tempered man from (south of the border...), but there are some other issues, even tougher to co-exist with, ie: substance abuse.  Lovely as his sweet temperament be it was, his frequent low self esteem and bouts of depression weighed heavily on all who's life's paths he crossed.   Sadly his demise came one day as a result of his burning one too many bridges, so we assume.... his passing - the real reason  of who and why, still a mystery to this writing.

The minutes, hours, days, weeks following his being no-more created wonder, pain, emptiness, anger, vengeance, a new fear in myself - how could I ever love again?  Who would love me the way he had?  This person had not left my life because we disagreed, or because he found another, or because I found another.  There were no good-byes, no closure, no "see ya manana..." just empty vastness of no more obsessive calls that had once drove me ape-shit bananas.  What the fuck happened and now what was I suppose to do?

Being heavily into dance & fitness, the things I had done to avoid spending time with my now deceased 'boyfriend of convenience', of course I tried to resume my life the afternoon of his funeral, by taking the most intense dance class led by a friend of mine.  Afterward, I told her why I appreciated that particular class that day so much and what it meant to me to jump,salsa and meringue my emotions out with such intensity at that particular hour.

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Moving on from a sudden tragic event is now, I have found - the hardest thing for me.  Not that I have had an enormity of sudden tragedy in my life, though I lost both my parents, a brother, uncle, grandparents and a few friends - but, I can say that this particular parting is really sending me places I had not ever imagined going....  and if I had more of a disposible income, it would be taking me a whole lot further than where I am immediately inhabiting. 

There are some who scoff at online dating, others who find it an 'interesting' venue to meet and remain hopeful for future romance.  And while I was/ and remain- quite realistic about the prospects that exist with online love & romance, for now - it is a bit of a distraction, if nothing else for the time being. 

Stay tuned for some of the interesting personalities & stories that have transpired throughout the past 6 months while using some of the various datiing websites out there including, but not limited to: P.O.F, Ok Cupid, Match.com, Singles Fitness and more!